Months Ago....

6 Months Ago I started a post...but did not post or finish it...I wrote this...
Spending a lot of time pondering lately...pondering about my children...pondering about life....pondering about my sweetheart....pondering about time....pondering about my mountains....pondering about who I am...Some days I am overwhelmed by my thoughts...okay I am not gonna lie, most of the time I am overwhelmed by my thoughts. After conference the theme that stuck to my heart most was "Mountains"...I certainly do not pray for mountains to climb...and right now I certainly do not have the strength to pray for more than I have. But I have a picture now in my mind and heart that was not there before....eventually there is a top or peak and oh what a feeling it is when you reach the top and have overcome those tough steep climbs. As the past few months have been very emotionally challenging for me, I am climbing with faith that the Lord will accompany me and give me strength when I am lacking. As I have finished the climbs on somethings I see HIS hand in all things. For each climb has a purpose...I must remember not to give up or in and finish what He needs me to do, even though I do not understand....why me....why this....I am completely inadequate, to weak, to hurt,...He needs me to finish the climb.....so here I go continuing the climb, praying for understanding and help in all things....

Well another conference has gone by...still feeling overwhelmed and having a lot of thoughts...more along the lines of ...where have I gone...where am I...where has the person I used to be disappeared to? The influences of the outside world are breaking me in ways I was unprepared for. I never imagined people's words, could be so hurtful, there actions so painful. A couple of weeks ago I went searching for a post on Abby's 14th birthday party for a friend who need the details. I found my self hours later torn apart...Not recognizing who the person I used to be...overcome with sadness...she is lost...not because I am any less faithful to my family, church, or the Lord....because of the hardness of the people.   Emma looked at me the other night and said in her sweet, in tune voice, "Mom, why don't you smile any more....I miss your smile."   WOW! I wish I could say I didn't know...but I do...That old saying we have all heard from when we were kids..."Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt me!" LIE! Names hurt, words hurt, and ACTIONS definitely speak LOUDER thank WORDS!   SO what to do, how to fix.....I had a great conversation with someone who I work with. He told me a story about a bucket....How full is my bucket? Well despite how full I try to fill others, mine pretty empty.   SO I begin a new chapter in my life, this week I am committing to closing old chapters and moving forward and filling my bucket as well as those around me.   I have been so blessed. I have an amazing husband, who continues to love me faithfully. 3 children I live for, would do anything for. Some close friends who keep me floating. A job. A house. A naughty dog and 3 silly ducks.   So anyhow sorry for all the honesty....Here are some fun pics about life here at the Crazilees.... or not can not seem to figure the new upload system...so next post=)